pathways

I've been a teenage girl before, so I've had my share of hardships, struggles, stress, etc. It's just something that comes with the package of being human, right? But never have I been so completely torn, overwhelmed, confused, and challenged as I have been, recently. It seems that I have two paths in front of me and for the past few months I've been sitting in front of them, just staring. At times, I'll tip-toe over to one path and look down it, then I change my mind because of fear and walk over to the other path but it scares me, too. So I always find myself back in front of the two paths just sitting there as if I'm waiting for a higher power to reveal to me which path to take.

Path One is full of comfort, familiarity, and all-in-all something I've had before and loved so much. Its a path that, when I'm standing on it, feels peaceful, just like coming home, as cheesy as that sounds. When I had it (what is on that path) I was sure I was meant to have it for eternity. Things happened and I lost it and it caused me to second guess everything I believed in. Now this path is scary to me. I'm afraid of putting my heart on my sleeve like I've never done before and taking major chances and leaps of faith with my heart. This path seems to be the hard path to take because I know if I take it, I have to fight for it, I have to work so hard for it. It would be challenging, but in the end, completely worth it.

Path Two is completely new to me. Honestly, it seems the easiest path because it would be like starting over with a clean slate. But a lot of times, the easy things aren't the best things, most times it seems like its the hard things (path one) that are the good things. This path, however, would be nice, I'm sure. This path is full of chance and uncertainty and experiences that would surely terrify me and take me out of my comfort zone I've carefully crafted. But all your life you're told to leave your comfort zone. I know I'd learn so much.

With these two paths constantly in the front of my mind, I've found myself on my knees a lot. It's the strangest thing, some days I feel one hundred percent confident in which path I should take, other days, your guess would be as good as mine. The only conclusion I can come to is that the Lord doesn't want me to know which path to take, yet. I'm not prepared enough, yet. I think I'm supposed to keep pondering each path. Or, maybe I'm supposed to try my luck in each path. Ah, see, I don't know. 

With all my heart, I want Path One to be the path I'm meant to take. But from experience, I've learned that the Lord's way will always happen, and in the end, it will always leave you feeling happier and more peaceful. I've been doing my best to submit to the Lord's will, but its hard to do when you aren't exactly sure what His will is! I know without a shadow of a doubt, one day, something will happen and I'll know what I should do. Heavenly Father isn't ever going to leave me comfortless and without an answer, I know this. I'm learning, though, I'm bad at being patient. This time in my life is clearly a time for me to learn a lot of things. Patience is definitely one of those things. Love is, too. Along with strength, faith, trust, focus and countless other things.

I have decided that rather than sit and stare at the paths just waiting for them to do something, I need to be productive and start really pondering the options of each path. I'm not gong to sit anymore, I'm standing now. I'm done procrastinating and waiting for the answers to be handed to me. I know its not gong to happen. I need to work for the answers and that is exactly what I'm going to do, now.

I was on my way home from beautiful St. George today and while we were driving through countless miles of bushes and tumble weeds, I was able to do a lot of thinking. I remember once in a Young Women's lesson, a leader said a good way to have prayers answered is to make a decision that you think will be best and live as though the thing you've decided on will come true. As you're living this decision, council with the Lord, often, and ask Him if you're doing the right thing, He'll let you know. Always.

After thinking that through, I've decided that I'm going to start making my way down Path One. Its always been the one that I've leaned towards and its always felt right to me. I am preparing myself to fight for this path and to have faith that what I want can happen to me, if its the Lord's will, of course. If there is the chance that this is not the path I'm meant to travel down, then I know that Heavenly Father will be my saving grace and help me make the decision to get off the path and take the one I'm really meant to be on. I just pray I will be able to hear His voice as He directs me where to go.

These last few months have been the hardest months of my life. I am a miserable wreck half the time and the other half, I'm more confident than I've ever been, before. Although this has been so hard and something I'll never want to relive again, I know once I'm on the other side of this, I'll look back at this and be SO grateful to my dear Father in heaven for putting me through this. Its amazing to me, already, to look back to January and see how far I've come and its only March!

Life is scary, complicated, confusing and terrifying but it is without a doubt so beautiful. I am so thankful to my fabulous family and best friends who have helped me walk through the trials I've gone through and truthfully, I'm thankful for the trial I'm in. I can't wait to see how much stronger and how much more faithful and strong I'll be when its over with.