Braid of the French

Can we take a quick vote? 

Girls, (guys, too, i guess) how do you feel about french braids? It seems to me like people either love them or hate them, and up until recently - I was a hater, but I don't know whats changed..

I think I like them, now. 

Maybe thats because they're "coming back." They are, right? I feel like I'm seeing them on a lot more girls, nowadays. 

The bottom line is, I like them. But I am curious as to your feelings about the hair-do?.. Please, do tell.

braid by savannah

Oh, My Honey.

In the past six and a half months I have been very, very fortunate in that I have been able to see the face of my beautiful boyfriend every single day. Even if we didn't see each other in person, we were able to FaceTime on our phones and see each other, that way. Now that I think of it, I haven't gone a day without him physically, face-to-face in...four months! 

Obviously, I have grown very attached to Craig. Not to get all sappy on you, but I think about him 24/7 and I completely, entirely adore him. He is as perfect as perfect gets and I can't imagine my life without him. He's my best friend and the person I would love to see every day for the rest of forever. He makes me happier than anyone else can and I find myself constantly looking forward to the next time I get to see him and see his pretty blue eyes and wonderful smile and be entertained by his humor and lifted up by his sweet, genuine heart. I finally found a good one, guys :)

Well, yesterday afternoon Craig left to go camping for just a couple days with his brothers.  I've learned something. I am not used to being alone. This whole, not being able to see him, call him or text him is an alien feeling.

  I miss my best friend! 

BUT! I suppose there is some good coming from this.. I know Craig is having a great time with his bros up in the mountains, one of his favorite places to be, and I, in this time apart, have been able to see just how crazily grateful I am for Craig and his presence and example in my life and for our talks, laughs, dates, naps, movie-watching, hot tubbing, drives, hand holding, cuddling, smiling and soooooo much more. Also, its made me realize I can't take his hugs for granted, anymore :) I love those magical, warm things.  

Haha, I am just realizing this post sounds like Craig has left for several months rather than a few days.. But what can I say? I love the boy and this is my first time really missing him for a substantial amount of time, and you guys know me.. When I'm feeling something - I write it out!

The good news is, I'll see him soon! :) And I can't wait to see him and give him a great big hug!!

I miss you, Craig!!

**feel free to make fun of me for sounding so desperate, hopeless and pathetic in this post. i know, i sound tragic, i just miss him, k? :)**

My World

I want to live in a world where everything is peach-colored and flawless and the trials we endure never hurt for too long. Once a lesson is learned, its learned - you'd never forget it. You'd never make the same mistake twice. Feelings wouldn't hurt because people are kind enough not to hurt others. Rumors don't spread because they never start and peers don't judge because of what you look like. Smiles would overpopulate the frowns - there would be no frowns. Shy girls and boys could tell their boyfriends and girlfriends they love them even if it scares them to death because everyone would be confident in themselves...even the shy souls. Children would respect their parents and parents would respect their children's space. Religion wouldn't tear people apart. Differences would be accepted. Being unique would no longer be frowned upon. Embarrassing moments would be uplifting and goofy laughs would be everyones favorite. I want to live in a world where happiness is everyones motto and smiles are more important than money. Oh, what a world I want to live in.

Mean

So. 

Sometimes people are mean. Sometimes people you were once very close with turn on you. Sometimes those same people say rude things about you. Sometimes people tell your secrets. Sometimes people you don't really even know say mean things about you, or start telling lies about you, or try their best to bully you and make you feel like crap and give up on something you're working hard for. Sometimes people talk behind your back and stick a knife there, too. Sometimes people expose your weaknesses to others. Sometimes people are mean.

(but thankfully only sometimes, right?)

Not to sound pathetic or anything, but I have been a victim to all these crimes.

Obviously, going through these mean-people situations is far, far, far from fun. I lost friends due to them, I have a reputation to some people of being someone who I definitely am not, I probably looked like a loser many times and the list could go on and on and on and on.

Today as I was logged onto good ol' Facebook, I was informed some of these old rumors that have been spread about me were circulating around my peers, once again, this time with another new little twist. Grrrrreat. At first, I was going to go into my comfort zone of locking myself down in my room and throwing myself one heck of a pity-party. But then there was that voice in my head (and some people's voices via text message) that reminded me its so much better to be positive - and you can find positivity even in crappy boo-boo moments - even if its a little more work to be happy, its just...better, you know?

I've decided to look at it this way: With all of this drama, I'm gaining life experience and only getting stronger. Who knows, maybe one day my own children will be going through their fair share of drama trauma and I'll be able to go back to being 18 to 21 years old and take my experiences and be able to better help them through their issues. Or maybe my children will be free of that and these trials are purely for my benefit, for me to learn and grow from. You know?

Really, I've just come to the conclusion that life isn't a Disney movie. Unfortunately. The good guy doesn't always win and there isn't that iffy-sounding music that plays to warn you right when something bad is about to happen. BUT if you do your best to maintain a happy, optimistic attitude and rely on your family, real friends and the gospel, life can get pretty dang close to being a pretty little Disney fairy-tale.

Bullies are real, gosh dang it and they always will be. Haters gonna hate. People gonna try and bring you down...But there is power, lots of power, in positive thinking, surrounding yourself with the right people and NOT retaliating or stooping down to their level. Being the bigger person and not saying a foul word about these people to anyone and taking the high road will always be the best path. Take it from me. (plus, i've learned you get more sympathy-votes from people when you aren't being a mean one, too.) Its hard. Even though I try and have a good attitude and go about this without feeling a little down, I still do feel low. But hey - life would be pretty dang boring if there weren't trials to work through and overcome.

Okay.

There you have it. My i-hope-this-isn't-too-mean-rant-because-i-don't-want-more-drama-caused venting on bullies. You know me, I feel better when I write it all out. ;)

Finally, let me leave you with some lovely T-Swift lyrics:

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man
Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know
Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again
I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know
Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Owl Eyes

I like to write, you know?

I especially really like to write poetry...or, my own little spin on poetry, I guess. I'm not sure what is technically considered real poetry.

Anyway, I think that my blog {this blog} should just be my life blog. You know, my blog about daily little things, or whatever else I may choose to write about. Whenever I post my 'poetry' I write, I feel like it disturbs the 'flow,' if you will, of this here blog.

Sooo, I've decided to start another blog. A ChelseaKate-Poetry blog. I think it'd be kind of cool if you'd read it or at least take a peek at it from time to time. I understand poetry isn't everyones cup of tea, but you know, I thought it'd be worth a try to get y'all to take a looksie!

The address is:

chelseakate-owleyes.blogspot.com

I hope you'll give it a chance. If not, its cool, we can still be friends (:

You're all grand.

Your Happily Ever After

Once Upon A Time...

I just finished reading the BEST book! 

While watching General Conference last week, I chose to watch the shows in between the sessions. That meant that I also watched the commercials. I am convinced there were only six commercials, total, but there was one that stuck out to me each time it aired. It was the commercial about Dieter F. Uchtdorf's book, "Your Happily Ever After." 

Maybe I was drawn to this book because I've always been a sucker for fairy-tales or maybe it was because President Uchtdorf has always been my favorite since he was made a member of the Quorum of the Twelve. I don't know what it was but I'm so grateful that I got that continual urge to get my hands on that book.

My cute mommy (i wuv yoo) bought it for me this afternoon and I sat down with it a few minutes, ago...and its already completed. It isn't a long book or a difficult read, at all and obviously it doesn't take much of your time so guess what I'm going to do? I am going to recommend that YOU READ IT! Really, do. Go take a visit to lovely Deseret Book and purchase this lovely thing. I think it was only $15? Not positive, but I can tell you that its so good and worth that money. It should be $100! (haha okay that was cheesey) Mm, so good.

It is a book directed towards young girls, single girls, girls experiencing difficult times or in the process of overcoming trials. President Uchtdorf compares us princesses to Cinderella, Belle and the millers daughter, in that we, much like those princesses, have to endure trials and overcome hardships before we can reach our own happily ever after. He also says that our Once Upon A Time is now and one day we will look back at our journey and be able to see that we are living happily ever after. 

I want to go on, but its a short book and I don't want to tell you everything so you'll find an excuse not to read it. So, as I said before, GO BUY IT and read it and love it. 

This book filled my heart full of hope and reinforced my faith and trust in Heavenly Father's plan for me and especially in His timing! 

Okay, I'm done...Happy reading!! (:

Lesson Learned

You know when something sounds like a really good idea and then later on you question your sanity, wondering why on earth you would have thought that idea was a good one?

I've got three words for you:

7 am History.

Blech.

On a typical night, I'm not even asleep until after 2am. If I want to look any sort of cute and ready for school, I have to wake up around 5 or 5:30. (i swear that should be a sin) Are you doing the math? I'll do it for you. It equals no sleep.

For some reason when I was signing up for classes a few months ago, I thought I would magically transform into a morning person. In comes the questioning of my sanity. I've known myself my entire life and never, never, ever, not even once, have I been a morning person. So then whyyyyyyy the 7 am class, Chelsea? WHY?! You know how much you loathe waking up so early! Not to mention its history... History is a cool subject, I actually am a lot more into it than I ever was in high school (btw, still so glad those days are d.o.n.e.) but regardless, its not something I want to think and be quizzed about so early in the morning..not that there are a lot of things I want to think and be quizzed about that early, but still. History is an especially difficult early-morning subject.

If I don't learn anything else this semester, I've learned this: Early classes stink. 

{but I really hope I learn a few more things than that..just sayin'.}

Save the Boobies

Warning: I'm on a rant, here, and this is (somewhat) of an adult-type subject. I don't even know if your adorable children read my blog, or if you, yourself, reading this right now are an adorable little child..just take caution before reading. I don't want to offend anyone.

(Do you have Facebook? Because if you don't, some of this post may not be as close-to-home as it will to those who do have FB. But please, even if you don't have Facebook, keep reading. You know, if you'd like. I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. Thats rude.)

SO. I'm back in school. (woo-hoo!) I'm taking an English class. I like English, alright. I consider myself a decent writer, so I am confident in this class and I've always got good grades in English classes so that helps my confidence level. I'm not a huge fan of all the writing assignments though. I really, really, really don't like being told to write about a certain, assigned subject, I'd much rather be given a vague, broad topic and be able to choose what I'd like to write about based off of my own interests, likes, etc. Do you get it?

Lucky for Chelsea, my first real paper in this class is an argumentative, two-sided essay and the topic is something of our choosing. Thank you, Professor. I decided to choose something that I will probably regret later because I know I'm going to become obsessed over this subject and stress about it like a mad-woman and I'd be willing to bet I'll lose some sleep over it. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I don't know, yet, if its a homework assignment I really want to do good on, or know that I can do really good on, this is how I handle it. Hey, its who I am. I'm embracing it.

Subject: Breast Cancer Awareness

Here is where FB comes into play. Have you seen all of the ways people, specifically girls, I guess, are trying to promote awareness for this?

Allow me to give you a few examples.
(at least i think these were all breast cancer awareness games...to be honest, i didn't pay much attention to them when i'd get the messages encouraging me to "play" them...so correct me if i'm wrong. really do, though, because i'm going to write a paper on this and i want it to be right. oh! and if there were any more ways to become aware, please inform me, if you wouldn't mind.)

• There was one time when a message was sent around FB to all the girls that instructed you to change your status to "I like it on ______." In the blank, you were supposed to write where you usually put your purse. For example, mine would probably have been, "I like it on the floor" or "I like it in the closet." The idea of this is to make the boys scratch their heads over what on earth this status could mean. But, naturally, their minds are going to go towards dirty thoughts, I mean lets face reality, people, a person who has been exposed to any media is going to think this is the location of where a person is having sex. Okay, so whatever, its a bit comical, but what on earth does where you like to have "it" have to do with breast cancer?! 
• There was another message that went around saying that you should put the color of your bra on your status. Okay, this one is a little more closely related to breast cancer. Bra's hold your breasts...so there you go, sort of related. But still... Are we going to read so-and-so's status that says "red" or "purple" and immediately think of supporting breast cancer? Maybe I'm the odd one out here, but I know that wasn't what I thought when I'd read those status's. I guess at least this one doesn't put your mind in the gutter as bad as the first one...
• This one, I'm not necessarily sure has to do with promoting breast cancer awareness, I heard it was, but I don't know. Regardless, its gross. Anyway, the message was that girls were supposed to put your shoe size with a frowny face after it. For example, mine would be: 7 :( I didn't get this one at first, but rumor on the street has it that this is supposed to be the size of..you know, male anatomy. Why does a girl have to put this, though?! (Not that a boy should, either, though) And again, how in the H does this promote breast cancer awareness or show your support? This one just makes me feel dirty and puts my mind in a place it shouldn't be. 
• My last FB-point is the most recent "game" floating around. This one deals with your birthday. Your status is supposed to read, "I'm ___ weeks and craving ___." In the first blank, you put your birth month, in the second blank, you take your birth day and there is a list provided of 31 different food items and you match the food with your birth day number. Mine would be, "I'm 12 weeks and craving creme eggs." (ps i will never crave those. never. they're icky.) This one bothers me on so many different levels. This is offensive to me and I've never even had breast cancer or any sort of cancer, at that. Ugh. Okay, rant time. Most women who have had cancer, survived cancer, etc. become infertile and cannot have children. I don't know, but I'd assume this would become somewhat of a fragile subject for these amazing cancer-fighters/survivors. Right? Then how is pretending your pregnant on FB showing your support for this cancer? Its not! This one, in my opinion, is more for the comical/entertainment factor rather than the support. I wonder if whoever started this "game" thought that one through...Probably not, I'm guessing. In no way, shape or form does this have anything to do with breast cancer.

Alright, there you have my Facebook argument.

Now, here is the part I'm torn about. How do you feel about the "I Love Boobies" paraphernalia? This one is at least somewhat good because (to my understanding) some of the money from the purchase of the shirt, bracelet, etc. go towards breast cancer research. That is good, yeah? However, do you wonder if people buy the products with the intention of giving some of their money to the research? Or do they just want the product because its amusing to wear an item of clothing or to sport an accessory that says, "I Love Boobies," and it just so happens that some of the money goes to the good cause? I think there is a very fine line between good intentions and not-so-good intentions on this one. I don't know, what do you guys think? I need help on this one. I'm torn, torn, torn.

Then there is the breast cancer awareness and support that I fully am in favor of. The pink ribbon items, for example. I'm all for the pink ribbon magnets on your car, the opportunities we have to buy items at the store that are pink and some of the proceeds go towards research. For some reason I find it more supportive towards breast cancer if you have the choice to buy a hair straightener that is pink and the money goes towards research or a plain one. Do you know what I mean? If you have the choice to support and you choose to support, that, to me, means so much more.

There's also the runs/races. I support these, too. You get the shirts that have clever little boob references, but they're acceptable to me because when you see the person in that shirt, you know they ran to support the cause. This race shirt is different than the "I Love Boobies" shirt to me because you had to work in order to wear the race shirt and do physical work and actually show your support, physically.

What I'm trying to get at is this: There are so many good ways to promote breast cancer awareness and show your support without being completely ridiculous, stepping over too many lines and maybe insulting cancer survivors and fighters.

One last thing..sort of on the subject, sort of not and I can't decide if this is going to be in my English essay or not, please feel free to give me your opinion, I need it!  Why do you think breast cancer is sooooo widely supported and well-known when there are so many other cancers that deserve just as much attention? Is there a reason breast cancer is more commonly advertised than other cancers?

Alright, alright. I think I'm done, now. I know my argument, so far, is a little Facebook heavy, but I'm going to try and have my other points get a little stronger, in the process of writing however many drafts I write of this paper. Please, please, please leave your comments, feedback, arguments, let me know if there's any more points I should make, important things I've left out that would be beneficial to this paper, etc! I need all sorts of help with this paper. :) Yup, I love you all.

Also, if you wanted to wish me luck on this paper that'd be nice, too. :)

kthanks.loveyou.bye.
chelseakate.

Gratitude

{a school assignment...my teacher is all about getting her students outside of their comfort zone. this is usually a challenge i don't participate in, but i was feeling gutsy today. so, here it is. if you care to read, enjoy.}

I, Chelsea Kate Walker, am so, so very fortunate. Today, as I sat in my car in the school parking lot, a man, probably a few years older than me walked by. I quickly noticed he was well dressed, then I noticed he had an awful limp. Upon closer examination, I saw this man had a lot of physical damage done to all parts of his body I could see. It looked to me as if he'd been a burn-victim. As soon as I saw this, my thoughts immediately turned to gratitude for how fortunate I am. I admire than man. I can't imagine what he's been through and I can't imagine how fortunate he must feel, he survived a tragedy, can walk, go to school, support himself, etc. We are blessed people.
Usually, actually, always, when I think of, or feel gratitude, I think of my kind and gracious, Heavenly Father. Yes, the Lord gives us trials, disabilities and insecurities, but time has taught me He does this not out of anger or cruelty, but out of indescribable, undying LOVE. Whenever I'm faced with a new trial, or I see someone else go through a trial, I like to think of it as a compliment from God. He doesn't give us, His children, trials we can't handle or overcome. That, to me, means Heavenly Father knows how strong we truly are and when He gives us these trials, He is giving us, too, the opportunity to get a glimpse of our strength.
Perhaps the best part of these hardships is that we never ever have to face them, alone. NO matter what the issue is, we can get on our knees and seek help from the Lord. He will never forsake us. He hears prayers. He is the Almighty and will never leave us feeling comfortless or alone.
I'm so grateful I was able to see that man who inspired me to dig deeper into my gratitude and further recognize God's love for His children. I am thankful that his presence reminded me that, yes, hard times are inevitable, but there is always a way to make the best of a bad situation and grow and learn from it, and become a stronger person by doing so.
Life is a gift and a test and I'm grateful, from the bottom of my heart, that I've been given the opportunity to live on earth and learn and grow stronger from the experiences my Heavenly Father has given me, graciously.

twenty-eleven

2011.

Is it really only May? Goodness, I tell you what, 2011 has been the longest year of my life and I'm not even half way through it! Sheesh. I think it would be safe to say that my life has been a 24/7 chaotic whirlwind since mid-January to this very day and truly, the chaos isn't showing any sings of stopping anytime soon. ::deep, cleansing breathe:: In these five months, my limits have been tried time after time, my faith has been challenged, my standards have been tested and my mental state has been abused on thousands of occasions. 

I'll admit, several times a week I'll throw a full-blown pity party for myself. Its a party of one (me) in my room including lots of kleenex, a blankie and lots of emotion. Sounds fun, huh? (The answer, by the way, is no. H, no.) All year I have been so completely overwhelmed with my future. I'm terrified, excited, anxious, curious and most of all, stressed out about what is to come of it. Really, I don't know why I struggle so much with being content and focused on my "now," but it is a serious problem of mine. I'm always looking ahead or looking back and never giving much attention to where I'm currently at. Ah, yes, its really something I need to work on because as hard as it is to believe, I hear one day I'll actually miss these days. 

Today I had the great opportunity to spend some time with some of my closest friends and as usual, we covered nearly 10,000 topics. One topic that really was interesting to me is when my dear and lovely friends Cassie and Chelsea were talking about how sometimes they'll get really caught up in their struggles and be discouraged with their lives and just not be happy at all. We all have those days, you know? Then, they said they always feel so bad about doing so because they'll hear about someone else who has it so much worse and is going through something so much harder and they feel very sorry for them and want to do something kind for them.

It just left me thinking... Its true, someone always has it worse. 

Then my thoughts began to continue as I thought of all the times I've been taught that when you are discouraged, a great way to cheer yourself up is to serve someone else. Then there was the thought that I tell myself, daily, Heavenly Father will never, never, ever put me through a trial that I can't handle and overcome. Between these thoughts, I think I learned a lot tonight and even had some prayers answered as to how I can become more happy and content with my life and my "now." I am so thankful that God answers prayers in such clever ways, such as prompting your friends to say something that leads you into a deep thought process that ends up teaching you a lot about what you need to do with yourself.

With this in mind, 2011 doesn't scare me as much as it did earlier, today, and throughout the year, so far. I understand that in the days to come I may falter and really struggle with things, again, but I hope that I can always remember what I learned and reminded myself tonight and find some peace, again. I hope that I can remind myself that Heavenly Father has the grand plan and understands everything and that He is putting me through this long trial for a very, very good reason that is going to somehow make my life a million times more beautiful than it would have been if I had not experienced it. Life is hard, but I think thats what makes it worth it. We're all on earth to be tested, after all...and some tests aren't easy! :] 

So, 2011? BRING IT!

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." 
— Gordon B. Hinckley

i can't sleep.

Insomnia is attacking me, again, tonight.

Sure, its only 12:45 but I guarantee you I'll be up for at least 4 more hours, and thats if I'm lucky.

Don't worry, I'm used to it.

Anywhooo...

Its been a very good day.

Its been a very good week.

Its been a very good month.

Actually, the last 2 months have been perfect.

Insane, confusing, crazy...

but perfect all the same.

Its been a long time coming, but I'm happy, again!

Not that I was unhappy...but I wouldn't allow myself to be fully happy.

Thankfully, negative-nelly-ChelseaKate is gone.

The positive one is back.

Mmm, life is pretty fabulous, yeah?

pathways

I've been a teenage girl before, so I've had my share of hardships, struggles, stress, etc. It's just something that comes with the package of being human, right? But never have I been so completely torn, overwhelmed, confused, and challenged as I have been, recently. It seems that I have two paths in front of me and for the past few months I've been sitting in front of them, just staring. At times, I'll tip-toe over to one path and look down it, then I change my mind because of fear and walk over to the other path but it scares me, too. So I always find myself back in front of the two paths just sitting there as if I'm waiting for a higher power to reveal to me which path to take.

Path One is full of comfort, familiarity, and all-in-all something I've had before and loved so much. Its a path that, when I'm standing on it, feels peaceful, just like coming home, as cheesy as that sounds. When I had it (what is on that path) I was sure I was meant to have it for eternity. Things happened and I lost it and it caused me to second guess everything I believed in. Now this path is scary to me. I'm afraid of putting my heart on my sleeve like I've never done before and taking major chances and leaps of faith with my heart. This path seems to be the hard path to take because I know if I take it, I have to fight for it, I have to work so hard for it. It would be challenging, but in the end, completely worth it.

Path Two is completely new to me. Honestly, it seems the easiest path because it would be like starting over with a clean slate. But a lot of times, the easy things aren't the best things, most times it seems like its the hard things (path one) that are the good things. This path, however, would be nice, I'm sure. This path is full of chance and uncertainty and experiences that would surely terrify me and take me out of my comfort zone I've carefully crafted. But all your life you're told to leave your comfort zone. I know I'd learn so much.

With these two paths constantly in the front of my mind, I've found myself on my knees a lot. It's the strangest thing, some days I feel one hundred percent confident in which path I should take, other days, your guess would be as good as mine. The only conclusion I can come to is that the Lord doesn't want me to know which path to take, yet. I'm not prepared enough, yet. I think I'm supposed to keep pondering each path. Or, maybe I'm supposed to try my luck in each path. Ah, see, I don't know. 

With all my heart, I want Path One to be the path I'm meant to take. But from experience, I've learned that the Lord's way will always happen, and in the end, it will always leave you feeling happier and more peaceful. I've been doing my best to submit to the Lord's will, but its hard to do when you aren't exactly sure what His will is! I know without a shadow of a doubt, one day, something will happen and I'll know what I should do. Heavenly Father isn't ever going to leave me comfortless and without an answer, I know this. I'm learning, though, I'm bad at being patient. This time in my life is clearly a time for me to learn a lot of things. Patience is definitely one of those things. Love is, too. Along with strength, faith, trust, focus and countless other things.

I have decided that rather than sit and stare at the paths just waiting for them to do something, I need to be productive and start really pondering the options of each path. I'm not gong to sit anymore, I'm standing now. I'm done procrastinating and waiting for the answers to be handed to me. I know its not gong to happen. I need to work for the answers and that is exactly what I'm going to do, now.

I was on my way home from beautiful St. George today and while we were driving through countless miles of bushes and tumble weeds, I was able to do a lot of thinking. I remember once in a Young Women's lesson, a leader said a good way to have prayers answered is to make a decision that you think will be best and live as though the thing you've decided on will come true. As you're living this decision, council with the Lord, often, and ask Him if you're doing the right thing, He'll let you know. Always.

After thinking that through, I've decided that I'm going to start making my way down Path One. Its always been the one that I've leaned towards and its always felt right to me. I am preparing myself to fight for this path and to have faith that what I want can happen to me, if its the Lord's will, of course. If there is the chance that this is not the path I'm meant to travel down, then I know that Heavenly Father will be my saving grace and help me make the decision to get off the path and take the one I'm really meant to be on. I just pray I will be able to hear His voice as He directs me where to go.

These last few months have been the hardest months of my life. I am a miserable wreck half the time and the other half, I'm more confident than I've ever been, before. Although this has been so hard and something I'll never want to relive again, I know once I'm on the other side of this, I'll look back at this and be SO grateful to my dear Father in heaven for putting me through this. Its amazing to me, already, to look back to January and see how far I've come and its only March!

Life is scary, complicated, confusing and terrifying but it is without a doubt so beautiful. I am so thankful to my fabulous family and best friends who have helped me walk through the trials I've gone through and truthfully, I'm thankful for the trial I'm in. I can't wait to see how much stronger and how much more faithful and strong I'll be when its over with.

Why Not?

I have a a few serious questions. 

Why, in life, are we always so dependent on living for someone else? You know? Why do we constantly have to have someone linked to us to feel happy? Why, oh why, can't we ever feel happy just being by ourselves? Better yet, why can't we live for ourselves?! Don't you think that would be the epitome of perfect?

Why do we have to be so involved in other peoples lives? Why do we always have to know who so-and-so is dating, who he has kissed, who the cute girl everyone loves has her eye on, why she works the (to some people odd/stupid/silly/etc.) way she does, the reasons that cute couple decided to end their relationship, etc?

Now, the most important "why" on my mind...

Why are we constantly comparing ourselves to someone else? Why do we allow ourselves to get caught up in the hype of being fake? Why do we overwhelm ourselves with the want of being paper thin and more tan than your neighbor? So unnaturally tan that people behind your back, talk about how silly you look.. Why aren't we ever good enough? Why don't we ever look in the mirror and say, "Dang! I'm looking HOT today?" instead of dwelling on all of the flaws, the pimples, the hair that won't stay in place, the crooked teeth, the messy make up, the excess skin, and so on and so forth.

Why can't we make an attempt to love ourselves exactly the way we are? Not love ourselves in some areas and hate ourselves in others.. I am talking loving ourselves FULLY!

I was talking to a very wise friend of mine the other day and she told me {texted me} something I won't soon forget. She said,


"I'm trying to look at my acne and my love handles, messy hair and flabby arms as a good thing. It is an opportunity I have to not only work harder of caring for my outer self but for finding out that my inner self is more important. I'm trying to remind myself daily that even though hardly anything goes my way, its because in the end it wouldn't make me 100% happy. God knows what to do with me and I am working on trusting Him with all of my heart. When I'm a little old woman laying on my death bed, I can't wait to look back at my life and finally see why everything worked out. I know you want to see how its going to work out right now, but lets be serious, it'd ruin all the fun!" 


Hearing that, in all honesty, changed my life. (thanks friend, you know who you are)


Another quote I've always loved,


"30 years from now it won't matter what shoes you wore, how your hair looked or what jeans you bought; what will matter is what you learned and how you used it."

In the end it isn't going to matter who loves who and why stupid things happened and why that person always looked down on you or why that cute guy/girl broke your heart on that sad day. The things that are going to really matter to you are how you handled the situation, no matter how sticky. The little moments that shaped you into the person you are, the view you had of yourself and the world around you, and the good people you surrounded yourself with are really going to be what mattered.


....I apologize, I'm bad at these "inspirational," if you will, speeches, I never seem to get my point across as well as I'd like to.


What I'm really trying to say is we've only got one life to live. We only have one shot at this and don't you think you'd be awfully miserable if you looked back on your life and saw that you were that person who was constantly worried about what your peers think of you? Wouldn't you be sad if you realized you were never truly happy because you were always stressed about those extra few pounds? Don't you think you'd be sad if you saw you wasted much of your precious time wishing for a former love to return to you when in the back of your mind you know whatever is meant to be will work out so perfectly? Wouldn't it be sad to see you wasted your life wishing and not living?


***I used the word 'we' a lot in this post, mostly because I like to think that I'm not the only person in the world (or who reads this blog) that does this.

The fact is, I do this all the time. I'm obsessed with my imperfections and the drama in my life and in the world around me. I haven't taken the time to find the real beauty in me and I regret it. But, hey! I'm twenty-years young, I've still got a lot of time ahead of me...so why not start now?

What do you say?! Try it with me?!

nothing-ness

In the stage of life I'm currently in, I would NOT consider myself a very busy person.

No like really, I am free as a bird. Very, very free.

My days typically consist of sleeping in, watching tv, going on rides, exercising, eating, napping, playing with my lovely friends, playing with my dandy family, hangin' on the computer, getting mindlessly lost in Tetris on my phone, etc.

I know, I know, I'm such a productive person. (blah)

Don't worry, this life style is driving me madly crazy, I'm going to begin becoming productive and an active member of society, once again, shortly.

However, in these countless hours of nothing-ness, I've had some of the best moments. Especially with my fabulous sister, Miss Adi.

Adi: She loves to dance, move, wiggle, talk, sing, jump, run, skip, do hand-stands, and well...do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that is active.

When Adi and I are left alone together, I've found that we always end up dressed up in silly outfits in an empty room with the iPod blasting a good song either crazy-dancing OR she is choreographing a dance for the two of us. {savannah is involved in this sometimes, it just depends on her mood} Its amazing. I'm burning calories, having a grand time with one of my bestest friends and I'm actually doing something other than sitting and starting at a wall, which is what I feel like my life consists of, lately. (blah)

BUT

When I sit back and think about it (because i have lots of time to think about it) I've come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this nothing-ness I'm involved in.

The most valuable lesson I've learned is this: NOTHING-NESS=EVERYTHING.

You're right, that sounds stupid. But in my head it sounds real moving. 

It is beautiful. I'm learning things and I'm being given the opportunity to really bond with the people around me...you know, when I'm with people and not technology... I've also been able to get to know myself better, as cheesy as that sounds, because I've had so much time to myself. Time to think, time to cry, time to laugh, time to find out what I really like, etc. I've been able to play with my sisters and get to be even closer with them, if that is at all possible. I have been able to see so much more of my gorgeous friends, who for a while I very rarely saw, I've been able to have some major laugh-attacks with my mom and talk with my cute daddy, even more. 

Last night Adi and I were down in the basement dancing to a loud, repetitive techno song when a life-lesson struck me right then and there. Its good to do "nothing," sometimes. Not all the time. But sometimes. (Believe me, I've learned some deep things whilst being so lazy and sluggish.) 

Mom, don't fret, I'm not saying I'm going to stay lazy. 

As I've said, I'm about to become active again. I'm going to go job-hunting, I'll stress myself out with school next semester and I'll be out in public more. Its going to be good, guys. I'll have purpose, again!! Whoohoo! :) 

For now, however, I'm going to embrace this nothing-ness time and I'm going to like it. After all, who knows when I'll really be this free again! 

Adi? Thanks, babe. Thanks for helping me realize this phase of life I'm going through isn't so completely dreary and useless. Love you, Lu.

adi & i lost in that magical "nothing-ness"

{told you my room was messy...}

i simply remember my favorite things and then i don't feel so bad

Today I did more learning. 

Actually, I've known all these things all along, but today {and throughout these past few weeks) I've been reminded that I am surrounded by the most incredible people on this little earth we live on. Why am I so lucky? I don't know, but the fact remains...I am.

I have the worlds most supportive and loving family. {daddy, mommy, savannah, adi}I'm convinced each of them would drop anything for me and for my happiness. Every day all four of them find a way to show me how much they love me and care for me. Its incredible how fabulous they are. All a person needs is their families love to have a good day. I've learned this, lately. The days I've shut myself in my room are much worse than when I go talk to my parents or play with my beautiful sisters. Simply, I love them with all my heart.

I have the two most amazing aunts. (meredith, julie) As I've stated in my previous post, I'm going through a really hard time, but these two have given me so much advice, support and love. Best of all, they've listened to me complain and vent out my feelings no matter how psycho they are and they tell me its okay. I love them so much, I'm so grateful that as I've got older we've been able to bond so much more and I've been able to hear the stories of their pasts and learn from them. They are such great examples to me. They're amazing and I'm so thankful I'm lucky enough to be their niece.

I have grandparents who are so caring and selfless. (grandma & grandpa walker, grandma & grandpa brown) No matter what, my whole life, my grandparents have been there for me. They've always shown their extreme love and care for me and remind me always that they are there for me. The best things they've done for me are boost my self-esteem. There's just nothing better than a grandparent telling you what a strong, great girl you are.

I have the best friends ever, ever, EVER. (whitney, chelsea, cassie, sarah, kourtney, jenna, kelsie, amy & more) These girls have kept me sane. They only want the best for me and are helping me fight to get it even when I don't feel like fighting. Whenever I need to talk it out, dance it out, sing it out, cry it out, ride it out, eat it out, etc. they are up and ready for it and it always works. These girls were put in my life for a reason, no doubt about it. Love you ladies.

Last and certainly not least, I have Heavenly Father. You know that phrase, "I'd be dead without him/her/them." ? Maybe that isn't really true about everyone, but for me, it is 100% true when it comes to Him. There is nothing more amazing to me than the fact that He is always there to listen to me and help me and show me how much He loves me. That right there is reason enough to never be sad again, I just wish I always saw it that way!


The main lesson I learned today as I was driving home from my beautiful friends home, was this: I've been dwelling so much on the negative and severely neglecting the positive. The positive being the extraordinary people I've listed above, of course. Yep, life is a pain in the bum right now and its harder than hard, but with these people around, it can be a heck of a lot better. They're here for me no matter what. I just need to remember that, better, and for sure I'll be back to normal (probably even better) in no time.

Thanks everyone, I LOVE YOU.


{ps i'm sorry for all the sappy heart-felt posts, lately. i'm just one of those people who write things out to help heal myself...}

So, what's good?!

This adorable little lady is Miss Adi Kayde

For Adi's ninth birthday (i'm still in denial that she's that old, btw) she got a cell phone. Yes, she's awfully young to have a phone of her own, but that seems to be something that happens in our home. You get 'em when you're young.

Cool beans.

Since Adi has received her cute little pink phone, she has become an avid texter. Especially at night when she's laying in bed "trying" to sleep.

Usually, our conversations consist of her telling me she loves me, then me telling her I love her....then she tells me I'm awesome, I tell her she's the sweetest, she tells me she loves me again...and so on and so forth...


The other day, we decided we needed to change our texting routine up a bit or else I was going to go insane {even thought I do love being told that I'm loved and I'm awesome..}


So we came up with this... Simply, one of us would start with the text:

"So, what's good?!"

After this line has been sent, the two of us name the top 10 good things of our day.

This has taken our texting to a whole new level, folks.

Its beautiful. I love it.

It has also helped me out a lot in focussing on the good things in the day rather than the bad, and come on, we all need to do that more, am I right, or am I right?

These good things can be the simplest of things, too. For example, one of Adi's texts last night was:

"8: i stayed in comfy clothes all day"

One of mine was:

"2: i took a long, happy-nappy"

Here's a thought! You guys should play "So, what's good?!," too. 

If you have no one to play with..I'll gladly play with you.

I'm a fan of the game.

Anyway, last night, Savannah-bug, Adi and I had a sleepover on the living room floor (& we watched Despicable Me...anyone want to buy me a minion?!) and Adi and I were talking about our texting game...

She then asked me if I thought everyone had at least one good thing that happened in their day. Even poor people, sad people, etc.

We decided they probably did. Even if it was something as simple as someone smiling at them, you know?

That led us to thinking that we could easily be that person to help someone's day be good. Adi and I decided we're going to be extra friendly, smile at people who look like they could use a smile, and even those who don't...because, they might really need it. 

Adi and I challenged ourselves to be better people. Happier, friendlier (no idea if thats a word) people.

And it all started with

"So, what's good?!"

Yeah, you guys should play it, too.

have you?

"Have you ever...

• Stared out a foggy window, waiting for words to land in your palms?
• Promised yourself you wouldn't do something good you once did, that led to tragedy...then did it anyway?
• Felt tears fall from your cheek bones for no reason?
• Assumed the worst and hated yourself for it?
• Had your fragile heart broken?
• Prayed so hard you felt like you were sitting on Heavenly Father's lap?
• Felt raging sympathy for a stranger?
• Got your hopes up so high and when the thing you wanted didn't come...you came crashing down?
• Felt like ending all social ties to anyone and everyone?
• Wished you were that other girl?
• Lied to make yourself seem better to the universal them?
• Been humbled my mother nature?
• Wanted to take the pain from a loved one, hurting?
• Failed miserably at one thing and succeeded brilliantly at another?
• Exceeded your own expectations?
• Put your full heart into something relying solely on trust and faith that it won't get hurt?

...then you've lived."

Out of the Orbit

I have an adorable friend named, Whitney. A few days ago, she did a phenomenal post that really got me thinking.

The title of her post is as follows: "We all live in our own orbits, but in the creators design of it all, life allows us and leads us into hundreds of other people's orbits... which in return... allows us to grow and understand our grand purpose on this earth."

The big point that I really got out of it, was that we have so many opportunities to interact with other people, who could really end up blessing our lives, but so often, we're so caught up in ourselves, that we end up missing out on all these potentially life changing experiences. We are too absorbed in our own daily lives, to see what else is out there and take those chances. As she put it, we're in our orbits and we rarely take the opportunity to reach out to people, learn about them, and learn from them. I love when she says, "people are our greatest resource."

Her post goes on to explain all the benefits of letting our orbits interact with others orbits. Think about it, we can learn so much from people, we can gain so much and definitely come out better people because of it. ...so why aren't we doing it?!

She ends her post leaving her readers with a challenge. The challenge? Reaching out to someone. Talking to someone, alone or not. Get out of your comfort zone, a bit and reap the blessings of doing so.

I'm taking the challenge. I think you should, too.